At 27 years old, I am just now realizing that you can feel confident and yet still have insecurities and self-doubt. Lord, growing up blows. It’s so overrated.
I am currently going through the hardest time of my life, a massive break up, a divorce. Major life moments like this have the ability to sway how you see the world and even yourself. I have had so much self-doubt and even hatred for myself during this whole process. I am the queen of over thinking and that’s all I have been doing.
The over thinking and self-doubt led to something great though; I had to have the real conversation with myself, I do deserve to be happy and I deserve to forgive myself. This past year, all I have done is punish myself for my actions that led to my husband, my best friend, disliking me and not wanting to be with me any longer. I have let these actions defy me and eat away at me. I started to believe I wasn’t worthy, that I am a bad person because I made choices that I shouldn’t have. But I also started to realize this is part of healing, and not just from the break up but from years of hating myself for not being true to who I am. The more I began to have the hard conversations with myself, the more I cried and felt horrible, and the more I accepted. So for two or three days I felt miserable, but then it faded away and I started to have good days, then it would happen all over again. But each time it hurt less and less.
This most recent encounter was an eye opener. I had a feeling in my gut for a long time and I was ignoring it, but I finally listened to myself. That was the moment I realized its time to say “You aren’t the choices you made. You are a good, kind-hearted, sensitive person and be proud of it! I deserve to have someone fight for me and forgive me, just as I fight for and forgive them.” Sometimes it takes a slap in the face and a little embarrassment/humility to realize your own self-worth. I am the magical, mystical unicorn mermaid I always knew I was. This time, I won’t forget it.
So I am done hating myself. I am done crying myself to sleep. I deserve my knight in shining armor. Girls and guys out there, you are magical, mystical unicorn mermaids. You are worthy and you do deserve everything you want. Don’t let the thought of losing the past and facing your demons deter you from fighting for what you want and what you deserve.
Put on your best dress ( yes, sometimes I still sit in my wedding dress because it is GORG and I paid way too much to only wear it once) and raise a glass of champagne to yourself and say “I deserve better.”