Finding R

Two years ago I set out on a journey to find happiness and to find me.  With that being said, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy before. But I wanted true and pure happiness. The happiness that you see in Disney and Hallmark Movies. I beg of you to please insert an eye roll. I try not to take myself too seriously and Hallmark clearly doesn’t take themselves seriously with the girl marrying a prince story line. If you know me, that might seem untrue. But I wanted my princess moment like every other girl.

At a young age I married my college sweetheart. I loved him. Still do. I will never deny that. He is a wonderful person with a heart that is too big. That is his greatest fault and his greatest gift. Frankly, I was way too much of a twit for him. I suffered from Grinch Syndrome – a heart that is 2 sizes too small.  I was closed off. I have been accused of being an Ice Queen and having a cold heart more than once in my life. Princess Elsa basically wished she was me for a hot minute…or should I say cold minute. See what I did there? Coming full circle, my husband and I married way too young. I was still a baby and didn’t know who I was and what I needed or wanted in life yet. Because of this, our marriage ended. How can you give yourself to someone when you don’t know yourself truly? I can answer that: you can’t. It’s literally not possible. For the love of all things holy and beautiful I didn’t know if I wanted to register for china or not and I still call my parents to fix a lot of my problems. How in the bloody hell was I going to know if I could be married for the rest of my life?

Through the divorce process, I set out on a journey to find me. I promised myself I would forgive myself for the choices I made that I wasn’t so proud of. I promised myself I would forgive myself for the choices I would make that I wouldn’t like at all. And I promised myself I would love myself for becoming the woman I was supposed to be and would become. The journey has been hard as all get out. Like Frodo traveling Middle Earth hard. And my feet are smaller. I have lost people and gained people. I have had my fair share of fights, especially with my parents. Pretty sure they took this the hardest. No parent wants to see their child on a path they don’t agree with. What I learned through it all, is this was my journey and my adventure. I had to make my own choices and had to be willing to stand by them. Those you love will stand by you when you stand by yourself.

To my friends going through this now: you will get through this. You will come out stronger in the end. Being in love with yourself is the most beautiful gift you can give yourself and those you love. Finding yourself is hard. It will suck at some points. You will want to quit and go back to living in the bubble of “whatever”… but don’t. Be weird. Make a few bad choices. Bawl your eyes out for two months. Make more bad choices. Date Netflix. (Kinda annoyed they just now started trolling people.)  Then date yourself. Go sit at a bar by yourself. Go to a movie. Fall in love with yourself first. Instead of wanting to be a princess, try being Carrie Bradshaw.

-R

 

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